When Good Memories Hurt

When Good Memories Hurt

It begins with the phone calls that used to last for hours no longer exceeding past the timer on the microwave and need I remind you of your occasional hangouts that are now covered up excuses of why you two can’t possibly be seen in the same place at once- for risk of the tabloid and media of course. On a more serious note, what does one do when the good memories haunt them more than the bad and every hint given is one of a sealed door that has no intention of ever re-opening. Well, if you find yourself on the other side of that door, the answer is simple: walk away. You are no longer welcomed here.

Now, while walking away may seem drastic, it’s the only option given, so be wise and take it at face value. As much as walking away won’t change the fact that you still care incredibly, the condition of your heart and state of mind depend on it. If you were friends before the breakup, by all means, you can still maintain that, if both people are willing, but if one side is hesitant, then it’s perhaps best to let time align the state of your existence in the life of the other.
So how does one just let go? try explaining the simplicity of this to a person going through a complex condition like addiction or the death of a loved one. I’m sure you’re case isn’t as serious, but still nothing on this site is taken lightly. The best way I can think of to highlight this complex-simple concept is through a story. So go and grab your cup of the holy spirit or whatever you prefer to sip on while we have a little heart to heart. Letting go isn’t easy, but I am confident that by the end of this article you will feel more empowered to at least try.

Everybody grieves some loss, big or small, at some point in their lives; it’s a part of the human condition. We love and then, if we lose, we hurt. People experience this emotional process differently, however there is a well-known model, the Kübler-Ross model, that describes five major stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

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Denial:
“How could this be happening to me? This can’t be happening to me! This can’t be over. He/she still cares, right!? We’ve known each other for a long time and have gone through so much together; this can’t be it! I don’t believe it.”

Anger:
“How could he/she do this? I feel so used, so hurt, so unwanted. Why did I allow myself to be so vulnerable and give so much of myself. I’ve invested so much time and energy into this relationship. Gosh, this makes me so angry and so confused. The world sucks.”

Bargaining:
“Okay, what if I say sorry once more, maybe they’ll come around. Perhaps, I should just write another letter or recreate our first date to remind them of how we once were. Perhaps I could do something to get them back. If we work out, lord, I will never be that person again. If only I had been what they needed or remained in that career, town or physical state, we’d probably still be together.”

Depression:
“What do I do now that our friendship seems over? He/she wants nothing to do with me; perhaps I’m not good enough. Maybe I’ll never find anyone else that compliments me the same way. Maybe I’m meant to be alone forever. I won’t ever get approval from the people who matter. I’m not wife/husband/ friend material. It was something that I did; I can’t do anything right.”

Acceptance:
“I am a strong, confident and purpose filled man/woman. I know that Gods plan for me is far greater than any doubt, any heartache and any guilt of the past. No one writes my book but my maker. Time will be a blessing to me. Joy comes in the morning and when it does, this will be something that I’ll used to glorify God. Someone out there wants me and God’s love is sufficient, nothing else matters. He sacrificed his blameless son to be a shield at my defense and a lever to raise my head up higher, despite my sinful nature and past mistakes. I will be just fine in the world because I am not actually ever alone, for the lord is with me and he knows what is best for me, like a parent wants the best for their child. Whatever happens, I will be just fine and content because everything happens for a reason.”

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I remember when my best friend had relocated to England. It took me the longest time to come to terms with our present reality and the fact that time would never be spent the same. Boy, you should have seen me, I was an emotional wrecking ball- unlike the one defined by Miley Cyrus, an unrecognizable and partially dysfunctional mess. I thought I would never be able to find another friend like her and the more I lingered on the thought that we may even grow apart with time, I wanted to fold myself inside one of her larger luggage boxes- the one marked ‘Handle with Care’. As time grew it only taught me about the will of the human heart and spirit. At first it was rocky and jealousy became an unspoken language barrier between us, mainly because we now had a new circle of friends that were partly to blame for our new-found interest in things we would have considered weird before. But in order to get to this point, I had to let her go and the idea that she was never going to be the same person that I remembered and grew to love deeply. Truth is, she feared the same of me. That, our amazing readers is why you have to walk away when there is a door closing in your face. There is nothing that can be done. The battle isn’t for you to fight either; the decision has been made and it is out of your hands. So, grab a pen: write down all the memories that’s not allowing you to move on with your life and submit it to God and then tape it on the door. Ring the bell one last time, to reassure yourself that you have done all that you can do and walk away for good now, confidently knowing that you did everything humanly possible, before handing it over to the spiritual, to take over where you were inadequate.

Live your life from now on. Promise me that you will. Don’t allow the good memories to haunt you any longer. If you need further clarification on what to do next, read: Psalm 30:5, which reads “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning”. You will be just fine my dear. Life has a way of surprising us and not every door is closed. Some are temporarily closed because they have to reassess or they risk the danger of permitting anyone and anything to wander in, while others remain temporarily open because there is a particular someone and something that still needs to walk through it in order for them to close it for good. So, please keep your head and your spirit up, for all things work for our good. Often times we don’t see the beauty in our temporary pain, because our head isn’t up to see forward and our spirits are down, pulling us further away from the lords gravitational pull towards him in heaven.

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14 Comments

  1. Amber
    April 30, 2017 / 8:34 pm

    I love the message in this post. I always try to live my life to the fullest. I try to never let memories continue to haunt me because I want to live a great life.

    • Chinomso Odimegwu
      May 1, 2017 / 3:30 am

      Amen to that sistah! You have to release them to not be held back by them. Life is much more grand, if you allow yourself to push into what awaits ahead for you. Many can’t see past what is in front of them, so they hold on to what is not good for them, only to waste time and be stuck in the same place. I’m so happy that you have chosen to choose the latter sis . Cheers to you for being so brave in life!

  2. May 1, 2017 / 12:52 am

    I can completely relate to this and can understand why some good memories can hurt… like for instance my wedding day.. great memory.. but my husband cheated on me and ruined it all. Sometimes I just can’t take my brain off of that and the pain is horrifying.

    • Chinomso Odimegwu
      May 1, 2017 / 3:44 am

      oh, no he didn’t!!!? Please tell me that you saw this as an automatic red flag and dumped him at that alter!? It’s time to close that chapter sis. That man is no good for you… and on your wedding day? The audacity. Can you imagine being married to this person long after having said your “I Do’s” only for him to cheat on you throughout the marriage as though it was normal. That memory will always be there, but in time it will heal. I know a lot of people say this, but you’ll come to realize this for yourself when that time comes. If a man wants to do you wrong like this or walk out on you, you better believe that he thought it through. Some will blame it on the alcohol, but that subconscious never lies: a part of him was capable and interested. Anyways sis, don’t dwell too much on this guy. Consider yourself lucky that he exposed his true colors before you actually spent the remaining years of your life with such a person. You do deserve better and while you may say (well, you don’t even know me Chi), I do know that no one deserves for someone to do such a thing to them. You deserve better!! Demand it!

    • Chinomso Odimegwu
      May 1, 2017 / 3:28 am

      Hey Hil, I totally hear you! It hurts. Sometimes the relationship could be toxic because of the mixture of what you both brought into it, but it’s best to stay away from the person- even if they’re not necessarily toxic, to avoid making things much worse. Thank for contributing girlfriend !

  3. Lieutenant Neha
    May 1, 2017 / 3:15 am

    Its a truth that time will heal everything and no one can write your story. It was a great read. I have some painful past too. I know how it feels.

    • Chinomso Odimegwu
      May 1, 2017 / 6:34 am

      Thanks for being able to relate sis. Healing is a process, but it starts with making up your mind to not dwell in sadness and hurt, but in joy.

  4. May 1, 2017 / 3:54 am

    Thank you for sharing this post, as I buried my pet tonight; it spoke directly to me. I am glad I read your post today 😉

    • Chinomso Odimegwu
      May 1, 2017 / 5:27 am

      oh wow sis, I’m so sorry to hear about your pet. I can’t even begin to imagine what you must be feeling at the moment. If it helps, I lost my father to brain cancer in February of this year and while it hurts, with each passing day, it gets better and living without them becomes more bearable. But one extra advice that I would give is to try to distract yourself and be in the common of people who help you ease the pain. I’m so glad our post helped you a lot! Thank you so much for stopping by; you’re welcome here anytime!

  5. May 1, 2017 / 1:04 pm

    we all have that one past memory coined with both the bad and the good that hurst us so bad we find it hard to move on but at the end of the day, we are who we make of ourselves and can also move away from the bitterness that it brings. well written.. great blog .. Hugs from Here.

  6. May 1, 2017 / 3:47 pm

    This is a beautiful piece. It’s really difficult to move on sometimes. I find it helps to really allow yourself to feel all the pain and own it for a time, then you have to force yourself to let go of the past. Easier said than done, but doable.

  7. May 2, 2017 / 1:50 am

    I know this feeling, and it makes everything more difficult. 🙁 I think writing about it and reading about can be helpful though.

  8. May 2, 2017 / 10:42 am

    Acceptance is the hardest but best part and it never seems okay until we’ve finally got some space from it.

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